Wasting my life
An hourglass (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
From time to time I feel as though I've wasted my life and I'm continuing to waste it. Not all the time. But sometimes, yes. Like today, for example.
From the outside, that seems false. It looks like I've had a pretty good life. I'm still fairly active and productive for a guy in my stage of life.
"My stage of life." Translation. Old.
From the inside that feels accurate. But from time to time, what I think and how I feel is: "I'm wasting my life."
To which I now ask: WTF? What does that even mean? It makes no sense.
Maybe the Internet can make sense of it. So I ask.
I Google questions like "How do you waste your life?" I find most links are based on the "gift from God" theory of life. It works this way. God gave you your life. But it's not an unconditional gift. You're supposed to do something with it. And the God theorists know what that is. And if you haven't done whatever the God theorists think you should do with your theoretical gift then you've wasted it. Simple.
To which I now ask, once again: WTF?
This whole God theory thing is so wrong for me on so many levels that I don't even want to start unpacking it.
The Internet can't help me, so I'm going to have to figure it out myself, the old fashioned way.
And the answer I come up with is this. I've still got stuff that I'm trying to do. Stuff that I think is within my capability. Writing, mostly. Like this post. And when I can't/don't write I feel that I'm wasting my life.
Like today: I had another post that I was working on. I started to try to finish it, and completely whiffed. Could not make progress.
So I tried something easier: I went to 750word.com, a web site designed to let you free-write. I got one sentence written. Just one. Couldn't concentrate. At all.
Wasting my life.
I took action. First some food. Then some sleep. Then back to writing on 750 words about what was going on. That helped, a lot. It led to me realizing that I needed to be a bit more disciplined about my writing.
Which I'll write about in my next post.
Shortly. After I post this.
Because I'm not wasting my life.
And I'm not going to fucking do things that make me feel like I am.